Me Today

Chapter Two - Me Today

As an old queen of 64 years, I believe that I’ve lived a good life.  It’s been a journey of ups and downs.  Over these many years I’ve wasted time brooding about “poor” me.  I still vacillate between being “ok and not being ok.

Overall, I do believe that I am a good man. I’m generally not into blowing my own horn, but I have done a lot of good in my life. When I worked in the clinic for Sexually Transmitted Disease, I didn’t condemn or judge our clientele. I tried to make them feel welcome and happy that they were seeking our help.  As a school nurse I tried to help many youngsters through abusive home lives, incest at home, social and psychological difficulties, helping with their health care needs and frequently just offering a hug or a shoulder on which to cry.

Since I’ve been working in an Operating Room I’ve tried to offer consolation and care, empathy, held a lot of hands, been there when people died and provided good health care in the operating room atmosphere. I’ve also volunteered my time, skills and love traveling to third world countries to provide surgical services to those in need.

When I’m feeling good about myself I don’t mind being gay.  When something happens that brings me down, I still fall back on being queer and how bad a person I am.

I think, “if I was straight, I wouldn’t be having these problems.”

I know it makes no sense, but emotions are difficult to control.  A life of questioning one’s worth as a human being; even after acceptance, occasionally brings doubt.  Am I a good person?  Am I a bad person?  

Does being gay make me bad?  My father said” yes”, religion says “yes”, much of society in America says “yes.”

I truly don’t believe that I’m “bad;” that I’m any bigger a sinner than others in our society, but constantly being told by society that I am “bad” takes its toll.

What follows is my tale.  It starts from my earliest memories to today.