Me Today

Chapter Two - Me Today

As an old queen of 64 years, I believe that I’ve lived a good life.  It’s been a journey of ups and downs.  Over these many years I’ve wasted time brooding about “poor” me.  I still vacillate between being “ok and not being ok.

Overall, I do believe that I am a good man. I’m generally not into blowing my own horn, but I have done a lot of good in my life. When I worked in the clinic for Sexually Transmitted Disease, I didn’t condemn or judge our clientele. I tried to make them feel welcome and happy that they were seeking our help.  As a school nurse I tried to help many youngsters through abusive home lives, incest at home, social and psychological difficulties, helping with their health care needs and frequently just offering a hug or a shoulder on which to cry.

Since I’ve been working in an Operating Room I’ve tried to offer consolation and care, empathy, held a lot of hands, been there when people died and provided good health care in the operating room atmosphere. I’ve also volunteered my time, skills and love traveling to third world countries to provide surgical services to those in need.

When I’m feeling good about myself I don’t mind being gay.  When something happens that brings me down, I still fall back on being queer and how bad a person I am.

I think, “if I was straight, I wouldn’t be having these problems.”

I know it makes no sense, but emotions are difficult to control.  A life of questioning one’s worth as a human being; even after acceptance, occasionally brings doubt.  Am I a good person?  Am I a bad person?  

Does being gay make me bad?  My father said” yes”, religion says “yes”, much of society in America says “yes.”

I truly don’t believe that I’m “bad;” that I’m any bigger a sinner than others in our society, but constantly being told by society that I am “bad” takes its toll.

What follows is my tale.  It starts from my earliest memories to today.

Let's pick and choose what we believe...

I’m not great with history but a few names come to mind. John the Baptist, St. Paul, Galileo, Da Vinci, Michelangelo, and more contemporary, Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, Henry Ford, Albert Einstein, and Steve Jobs. They were all rebellious and stubborn, some were homosexual or bisexual, some were drunks and gluttons and I would venture to bet that most of them were disobedient to their parents considering their successes, insights and willingness to work outside of the norm.

As with most religious groups, these people are picking and choosing those biblical passages and lessons that best fit their agendas. I cannot deny that I am doing the same thing.  My hope here is to offer a differing perception and interpretation of the same passages.

As a Registered Nurse I was recently confronted with a situation. I was traveling with a mission group that provides surgery to patients in third world countries.  Without our interventions these people would not have the opportunity to feel better and improve their health status. Although the charity is not faith-based, many of the volunteers are practicing Roman Catholics or other fervent believers. Although I was raised in the Catholic faith, I have been questioning many of the tenets of the faith.

This recent situation involved a patient who needed her gallbladder removed.  At the same time she wanted her tubes tied (artificial contraception). She had seven children already. The policy of the charity is to not be involved with artificial contraception.  The surgeon wished to proceed with the surgery for the benefit and wishes of the patient. Personally I believe that I was more responsible to the patient and her wishes than a policy with which I have some moral opinion differences.

A fellow volunteer stated that she could not be involved with the procedure because if she was a part of this voluntary sterilization she would be committing a mortal sin.  I can appreciate her beliefs and opinions. Following logical thought, being a part of this sterilization procedure involved committing a mortal sin.  Therefore, by my involvement with this voluntary sterilization, I was committing a mortal sin.

All right, one can commit a mortal sin and seek absolution from it by going to confession. Absolution by a priest in confession does not erase the sin, but offers the soul a better chance at achieving eternal salvation and eternity in paradise with God. This topic will receive more attention later.

By my fellow volunteer stating that she would be committing a mortal sin by being involved with this voluntary sterilization, she infers that I will be committing a mortal sin by participating in it.  Again, I can appreciate her faith and beliefs, but I have a problem with her believing that I have committed a mortal sin and will therefore be damned to hell.  As much as I adore this woman I find it disconcerting that she can know how I will be judged by the Almighty God.

 Now that I’ve ranted and raved, it’s time to begin my diary.

The Bible advocates capital punishment...

If they follow the same train of thought as in other issues, they should be PRO capital punishment.  They quote Sacred Scriptures and Divine Intervention supporting action agains homosexuality and they base their issues with contraception, embryonic stem cell research, IVF and euthanasia all on Sacred Scripture and Divine Inspiration.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.

Deuteronomy 21:18-21“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.”

If they are basing their beliefs on Sacred Scripture and Divine Inspiration they should welcome capital punishment. Leviticus and Dueteronomy both advocate stoning to death those who practice homosexuality, stubbornness, rebelliousness, gluttony and drunkedness as well as disobedience.  

I can understand their reversal of thought on capital punishment. If this view was upheld and embraced we would no longer have any teenagers, artists, actors, great chefs, corporate leaders, scientists, physicians or politicians in addition to the many who are all guilty of these “sins.”

If these Divinely Inspired and Sacred Scriptures would have been strictly enforced since their inception we would still be living in pre-Christian conditions.

We probably would not have had a Jesus Christ to teach us the true meaning of love, charity and mercy. Had Joseph gotten so pissed off with His rebelliousness that he would have had all of the men of the city stone Him to death before He was able to complete His mission on earth.

Someone just posted this on Facebook. I loved it and had to share.

Are we judging?

I then asked them about how they would protest abortion.  The man said that he would quietly stand and say the Rosary outside of the abortion facility.  The woman told me that she would hold a placard stating that these women and health care workers were murdering fetuses.

Ok, i’m not a supporter of abortion, but I have not been faced with an unwanted pregnancy.  I have no personal issues requiring me to get involved with the argument. Action or inaction involving abortion should between the people involved and their God.

I asked the woman if her action, carrying a placard could be viewed as judging and condemnation. She immediately responded that “NO, I am not judging or condemning, I am just sharing the Word of God.”

Now, I may be wrong here, but as I remember my lessons from the Baltimore Catechism, if one dies with a mortal sin on one’s soul, that soul is condemned to hell for all eternity.  Following this logic, murder is considered a mortal sin and if I commit murder I’m condemned to hell (that is unless I go to confession and receive absolution).

So if I hold a placard stating that someone is committing murder by aborting a fetus, I am making a judgment based on my religious views. Regardless of the correctness of my views, if I claim that someone is committing murder I am judging them. I claim to know what God is thinking and how He is going to react to the actions of another.

Luke 6:37

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

As an interesting aside, thinking back on Catechism classes and religion classes in Catholic school we were taught many things. Mrs. Yokum taught us that when we tell a lie, that little white moon shaped tissue under our fingernails gets bigger.  Sister Mary Herbert taught us that if we attended mass on the first Friday of every month for nine consecutive months, we would be guaranteed a confession before we died. Father Kelly taught us that when boys masturbated we were sinning because we were wasting seed.

At the time who was I to argue?  I didn’t know any better. I was still a kid. I was never a teller of lies, but on that occasion when I did I checked my fingernails. Sister Mary Herbert’s guarantee of a confession before death was a great thing.  That meant that before I died I could receive absolution from a priest and maybe had a chance at heaven. Father Kelly’s enlightening facts were a bit disconcerting. We were all adolescent boys and masturbation was a big part of our lives. I should be going to confession every day, but Sister Mary Herbert told us that we wouldn't die before we made our last confession, so we were safe.

As I reached adulthood and furthered my education I did start wondering about some of these truths that were taught to us.  Lying, fingernails, I don’t think so. Confession before I die? Ok, I’m flying across the Atlantic and the plane explodes and crashes into the ocean. If I survive the explosion and the tremendous force of landing in the water from 40,000 feet, there is going to be a priest there to hear my last confession.  Comforting? Yes.  Realistic? No. Masturbation? I’m still a virgin so masturbating was a part of my life. Old Testament biblical scholars believed that when a man shot a load it was filled with little people who were injected into the woman where one of them could mature. They believed that there was a limited number of little people floating around inside a man and if one hit the ground or the paper towel, it would die. Now if I try to think like an Old Testament biblical scholar this idea seems plausible. As a man of the 20th and 21st centuries, as an educated Registered Nurse who has studied some science, I can’t accept this view of human reproduction. I know, through scientific research, that a man’s testicles continue to produce sperm (one-half of what it takes to make a baby) until way later than he should even consider another offspring. Hmmm, so if the supply is unlimited and it’s going to get out whether I enjoy it or not, why can I not enjoy it?

I can’t because the Catholic Church says it’s a sin because I am wasting seed. Is this really logical? I guess I am showing my lack of faith.

In their “Profession of Faith” they claim that capital punishment gravely offends human dignity. I certainly don’t have issues with this concern. I am confused that they included this point in their “Profession of Faith.”

My Divine Inspiration...

Others seem to find joy in proselytizing the Word of God as stated in The Holy Bible. Sharing the Word of God is a good thing as long as it doesn’t judge or condemn. Proselytizing using the Sacred Scriptures and Traditions of the Old Testament is like teaching quantum physics using a fourth grade arithmetic primer. As I understand the teaching of Christ as the Son of God, He teaches loving one another as God loves us.  Judging and condemnation are not a manner of showing love.

I was recently talking with a couple of people who are founding a group as a lay apostolate.  In a letter entitled “Profession of Faith” that was handed out at local parishes, they state, “I also firmly accept and hold the Church’s teachings on faith and morals.  I agree that it is my duty to believe and live in accord with what the Catholic Church holds and professes, including but not limited to matters that gravely offend human dignity such as contraception, abortion, embryonic stem cell research, IVF (in-vitro fertilization, artificial insemination), homosexual ‘marriage’, euthanasia and capital punishment - while broadly accepted in society, are not consistent with the clear teachings of the Catholic Church.”

After reading their “Profession of Faith” I had a few issues with the actions for which they are calling. Personally I am more concerned with their views on homosexual “marriage” but other views concern me as well. When I asked them about homosexuality they claimed that it is a sin according to the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity,¹⁴¹ tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."¹⁴² They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved. (1)

Natural law, as mentioned above, was the natural law recognized before Christ.

I like to think of my argument against this is logical. This view on homosexuality is based upon Old Testament fables. During that time period family and offspring were the economic basis for survival.  The more offspring, the more workers you had on the farm. Homosexuals were certainly ostracized because they may not have acted according to the norm and they certainly weren’t providing offspring. In todays world those needs are not the same. 

In response to my view I was told that these teaching were based on Sacred Scripture and were provided through Divine Inspiration. It is truly difficult to argue with Divine Inspiration. 

Who was divinely inspired?  How did it happen? Was the man tempted by homosexual feelings? Did he realize that if he acted on them his society would treat him badly, maybe even stone him to death? Was he convinced by this fear of death that he should pass on this Divine Inspiration? In 2013 I can claim that I have been Divinely Inspired to advocate homosexuality as a means of population control, better home design, better fashion and a more reasonable group of politicians.

I don’t think my Divine Inspiration would be readily embraced.

Phil Robertson (Duck Dynasty)

I grew up knowing I was condemned.  The Catholic Church always told me so.  My dad mentioned that he would rather I be dead than homosexual. (I never came out to him for obvious reasons)

Recently Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame has shared some of his biblical wisdom. He shared his divine insight through an interview with GQ (Gentleman's Quarterly) magazine and has preached at a number of venues over the years.

His views on homosexuality are as stated below:

"Women with women, men with men. They committed indecent acts with one another, and they received in themselves the due penalty for their perversions," Robertson said. "They're full of murder, envy, strife, hatred. They are insolent, arrogant, God-haters. They are heartless, they are faithless, they are senseless, they are ruthless. They invent ways of doing evil.

Now I can understand how some people may find the sexual activities among some homosexuals might be out of the norm for many. I find it interesting that Phil Robertson, who I have never met, is calling me: "full of murder, envy, strife, hatred, insolent, arrogant, a God-hater, heartless, faithless, senseless and ruthless. I invent ways of doing evil."

I may be a lot of things, but none of these descriptions fit me. Well, maybe some occasional arrogance, but not often.

I find it truly sad and scary that there are people out there who may lack common sense who believe every word he says.

This belief may lead to more hate crimes. We (homosexuals) have been faced with this hate many times over the centuries. Fortunately I have only experienced one personal threat in my life.  That happened in San Diego at the Navy Hospital. Someone left a note on my car telling me that I should repent for my sins, that they kill FAGS in his Navy and that he knew where I lived and worked.

Needless to say, I was a bit paranoid for a while. The Navy investigators suggested that I park my car in a different area. That was a great solution to a threat on my life.

If Phil Robertson starts calling for Liviticus 20.13 to be followed verbatim, we face real problems.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.

I’m going to HELL!  I guess I should believe that since so many societies, religions and strangers tell me that I am.

I find it interesting that so many know me without ever having met me. They are so familiar with me that they KNOW that I am condemned to hell.

They KNOW what God is thinking and how He is going to judge me.  I wish I had such insight to God’s eternal wisdom and mercy.

They claim that their knowledge, wisdom and insight arises from a book called The Holy Bible. I’m familiar with this publication although I haven’t read it cover to cover. I personally prefer fiction with more action and a happy ending.

I have read some of the short stories in the book and I must say that some of them are fairly entertaining, but so many have such unhappy endings. 

Those who claim to know and follow the teaching of The Holy Bible claim that it is a book filled with joy, love, forgiveness, charity and mercy. It is peculiar that a book filled with joy, love, forgiveness, charity and mercy has lead to so much misery in the world. 

Those who advocate following the stories in The Holy Bible as the absolute truth have allowed stoning to death, beheading, loss of limbs, The Crusades, The Inquisition, the termination of people who were not “normal,” the theft of land and property owned by others in the name of God, and the killing of people who choose to follow a Supreme Being called by another name.  This Supreme Being is the same entity, regardless of name.

I suppose some of the ardent followers do find joy in killing, torturing and theft, but they seem to be missing love, forgiveness, charity and mercy.